paintedgray at 11:31 p.m.

im sorry

oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

i hurt someone tonight, and it took me back to the times in my life where i was lying to everyone just to get through the day.

in high school i lied to my parents about everything. it was so natural, and i never thought twice about it. i lied so i didn't have to deal with something. i never felt that bad for it because i was so used to it. i could get away with anything i wanted. but someones these tales would get so intricate and elaborate that i always ended up caught in my own lie, and eventually i would confess something and my entire pyramid of lies, fabrications, gossip, and stories would come tumbling over. my father used to say:

"you know how i can tell when deborah is lying? when her mouth is open."

my friends in high school would regularly lie to each other and talk mass amounts of shit behind one another's back. we didn't care enough about each other to not constantly deceive each other.

yet, my friends now are wonderful and i want so badly to trust them all.

and suddenly i turn around and spread other people's secrets with someone else. and then when it comes back to bite me in the ass i am hurt, because i actually trusted someone else. yet, it was with someone else's secret. it is so wrong in every way. and yet the only marked differance i observe in myself is the fact that now, when caught in deceit, i do not deny it to attempt to save face. i would like to believe it is because i am a more honest and trustworthy person, but perhaps i have just come to realize that there is no use to deny it because the truth will always resurface.

why did i share something so very personal and substantial? i don't fucking know! i can't think of any reason other than i am simply a bad person.

but i am not a bad person.

so then what is going on?

part of me wants to simply step away and blame the community. we do seem to thrive off of other people's business, and it's easy to get sucked in, but i know that is not an excuse for my bad behavior. after all, i did have a choice in the matter.

i don't know what to do now other than improve and make myself into a better person from this experience.

i might have to find new friends though, for fear i will have none tomorrow. i was told that my actions seemed meticulous, as though i planned for this to happen. and yet i cannot refute what other believe to be true, because i have lost all credibility.

everyone seems to have their own assumptions about one another. thats why we always miscommunicate all the time -- we don't know what the fuck we are talking about.

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