2007-02-28

paintedgray at 1:54 a.m.

time for change

i am driven to change.

i must not smoke cigarettes anymore. it's bad for my body, im ashamed to be seen doing it, and frankly it's disgusting and will contribute to imminent haggardly appearance.

i've been a smoker since the age of 14. (ew it's gross to think of myself as a smoker). i picked up the habit from an ex-boyfriend at the beginning of high school who smoked as part of his whole badboy rebel appeal. and my intake fluctuates--i've gone through my pack-a-day phases and then sometimes i'll just refrain. i've never suffered many physiological withdrawals, but the emotional abandonment sucks--not being able to chainsmoke on roadtrips or join the smoker's circle anymore.

i also want to change my appearance, because while im not grotesque, i want to be better. beauty is sort of an unhealthy addiction of mine.

i must start working out at least 3 times a week. through exercize i want to gain flexibility, energy, and strength. i am also desperate to lose 15 pounds by the end of this school year. of course, this leads me to my next flaw.

i am obsessed with the aesthetics of beauty (does this make grammatical sense?). it has been my observation that the world is an easier place to live in if you are attractive and that people initially judge one another based on their appearance.

another thing i want to change -- my unhealthy obsession with looks.

i place developing friendship as a priority over schoolwork, and this must stop. i seem to have a significant dependance on human interaction and i know that if i could learn to be more content in my own company i would get more shit done. i find that the less socially needy i am the more friends i seem to have anyways.

i need to exercise more self control, or else i will be a failure at life. like not smoking so much god damn weed all the time...

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