2007-09-17

paintedgray at 2:13 a.m.

on little sleep

i'm having a psychological breakthrough, but trying to write down what just went on my head fifteen minutes ago might be a little trying, but i feel like it is worth writing.

a guyfriend of mine spanked me for no reason whatsoever. he is a friend that i used to be very attracted to but am no longer and we used to be closer and much more physical with each other but now its just a little awkward for me. perhaps i should not.. wait--no, im getting off topic.

thereafter i looked at him a little cockeyed like "why did you just do that?" and he says:

"you were asking for it."

asking for it? i didn't say anything but i thought it over and to a recent even that occured at my friend tobys house the other day.

i met his boyfriend for the first time. at first i was a little hesitant because the things he had told me about him were a little astoning. but i absolutely adored him because he absolutely adored me. we talk of dating and he is very surprised to hear that i have not had sex or even dated in quite some time. that he would assume that i would have to be pushing boys off of me because i "walk and talk sexy".

this is not a creepy thing to hear from a gay man. and i took it as a compliment. but that of course leads me to wonder. what am i doing wrong here?. And then I start to analyze this "compliment" and decide that its not neccesarily a good thing. perhaps i leave little to the imagination.

and then the breakthrough: i have used sexuality as a way to interact with boys simply by the way that i carry myself around them. i think this is linked to my upbringing and the fact that i had an inapporpriate way of interacting with my father.

no, not what you are thinking. he never touched me -- why does it always have to come to that?

it was just the only way he could relate to me because of the way that he was behaving with my mother. we all knew that he was having an affair, my mother made this very obvious to me at a very young age. i guess i came to realize that my dad was sort of slutty early on.

my family assumes that he is inflicted with Asperger's syndrome. Now as I type that I look at Wikipedia and realize that it is completely true.

and so he used sexuality as a way to relate to me. i kid you not, at 14 when i was considering losing my virginity, he was all for it. that is really the only thing that i could talk to him about where he would take an avid interest.

it is really really sick. i know. and that is the person that i call "dad". i couldn't imagine it any other way, and i don't bother, but i really wish it had been any other way.

so that is definitely influencing my relationship with men and how i probably present myself, especially those who i am attracted to. it is how i relate to with the opposite sex.

perhaps i beg to be objectified.

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