2007-03-23

paintedgray at 3:18 a.m.

for the rats

my night has sufficiently sucked.

i am in a constant battle against feeling depressed. it comes at me in waves and sometimes i feel like i have total control over my life and emotions and then other times i feel utterly helpless.

i acknowleded this lack of fulfillment last year, when it dawned on me that i wasn't in love with my boyfriend (who i spent time with 24/7) and i didn't really like any of my friends. i lived a very unsatisfactory life.

which led me to coming here to college at UO in search of something better and being dissapointed in the people that i found here. not that any of these people are dissapointing in their own merits, but my expectations were unrealistically high. i figured moving to live the college life would make everything better.

after watching that movie "what the bleep do we know" (physics meets philosophy--great fucking movie) and truly believing in the concept that we as humans are in control of our own thought-processes made me a happier person. the concept of reality as a perception or idea rather than a tangible entity seems to make the world look like less of a dreary, brutish place.

and yet, the grandeur of such notions has faded, and im back to the self-deprecating, negative self-talk that i am so used to, and dare i say, comfortable with.

so, self, i will not seek validation for who i am in others. i am an awesome person and those who wish to converge realities are welcome but will no longer be sought after. i will live my life and think of myself as independant rather than lonely. i will concentrate on what makes me happy.

and i will go to the knight library tomorrow and fill out transfer applications like mad, because i must explore other possibilities.

i am going to change the way i think. hows that for a mission...

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