2007-09-16

paintedgray at 12:52 a.m.

heart strain

my father came to my grandparents home today to see me and riley. i see him probably 45 minutes every few months or so. its difficult to be around him because i resent his lack of interest in my life. i wish he would ask me what my major is, what classes i'm taking, what i do in my spare time. he has no idea, and i am trying hard not to be angry for his disinterest because i think he just doesn't know how to care. i have to remind myself that this is who he is -- he is emotionally shut off, and there is nothing i can do about it. he will never be the father i want him to be, and the only way i can ever make peace with this is to provide my child with a good, attentive, caring father. is that fucked up, to think that way? or maybe we all secretly do -- we hope to make up for what our childhood lacked in our own children.

i have been here in new york with my grandparents for about eight days now. i can tell that their lives are brighter when i am around. i complete this household. i am the only child that they have ever been proud to have. they are like my parents. they care what i am doing in my life. they want to see me turn out to be successful, happy, and whole. i know my actual parents want that for me as well, but whereas they do not take an active role in making that happen, my grandparents do. they fuss over me, and i like it, because for 18 years i never had that sort of attention.

so when my father fly into NY today to visit a friend of his and decided to stop by my grandparents house to say hi, it felt awkward. my grandparents dislike my father very much. they blame him for everything wrong that ever happened to my mother (their daughter). her bad habits. her irresponsibility. her broken neck. her inability to live a normal life. they blame him -- he is their scapegoat.

and i am caught in the middle.

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