paintedgray at 1:30 a.m.


i am very fucked up about men.

there is a boy named will who i met at the beginning of my first year at the university. i met him through a friend. we danced together at a party one night, which ended in a very brief, unfulfilling sexual encounter. i assumed that was fine because i wouldn't ever see him again.


i start to see him everywhere because unbeknownst to me at the time, we roll with the same crowd. we share plentitudes of mutual friends. we attend the same events. do the same religious things.

except that he has absolutely no respect for me as a person because i put out so quickly. he objectifies me and looks at me with lust and no actual interest whatsoever.

i am enthralled by this. i want him. i am drawn to him. i feel like i could get lost in him. i want to have a relationship with him, because i see us as compatible. and i figure that my attraction to him must have some foundation for reason -- perhaps we are meant to be together, he simply does not realize it yet.

wrong again.

he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. he doesn't even want to be my friend, even though we share so many other people in common. he doesn't even see me as human. to him, i am an object that he can easily have. so, if there is no chase, then where is the fun?

this continues for a year. i want him. he doesnt want me. i go so far as to tell him that i like him. he doesn't care. he just wants to fuck.

why do i like this guy? i don't know, but my body corroborates this idea. my heart races whenever he is around. i cannot think clearly. i am not myself around him. (maybe i am mistaking fear or intimidation with attraction?)

so we sleep together at the end of the year and it is just as brief and unfulfilling. literally, he lasts for a very, very short time. i am an orifice to him, and i am disgusted with myself.

so now it's a new school year, except now i try not to pay any attention to him. i don't want to still have these feelings for him, but i feel powerless against them. so i ignore him, look straight through him, do not acknowledge his existence.

and he calls me last night, and i answer the phone. (maybe me ignoring him perked his interest)

big mistake.

i invite him over to join my friends and me. he arrives and my heart starts to race again. it's awkward. they leave to go to a party and we are alone. i immediately confront him with everything i have ever wanted to say to him by starting off with "did you just come over here to hook up?"

"of course not"

and so i tell him how horrible our encounters have been, how horrible of a person he has been to me, how objectified he has made me feel, how it hurts that he has no interest in me as a person, how horrible the sex was, and how all i wanted to do was to cultivate a friendship.

he tells me that i make a big deal of things (only because i actually have feelings), that he is into me "in certain ways", how he thinks that he knows me just by his observations (as in he doesn't care enough to look any further), and that he thinks we have sexual chemistry, and that it freaks him out that everytime we have these encounters i always want something more.

i can tell that he is uncomfortable just by his posture. apparently he doesn't take well to confrontation.

this is not a normal person sitting in front of me. he is emotionally shut off, at least to me if not in general. he is here for one thing and one thing only.

with my heart still racing fast, all of my better judgement flies out the fucking window. i spill my heart. i tell him that i like him and i only want to be with him if i know it could go somewhere. i tell him how it is difficult for me to distinguish sex from emotions. he holds me, but it is just to get into my pants. we start kissing. i stop him because i want to know what he thinks of what i just said. he tells me the truth: he is interested in me but not in any way romantically, because "some people just don't connect". i am hurt all over again because i have reopened a wound that begs to heal itself.

except at this point i am turned on and we still keep dryfucking. but as soon as his aims to stimulate me i stiffen up and stop.

if i had any reason to think that the sex in itself would be good, i would have definitely still done it. at least it is a way to objectify him just as he does me. to use him as an object. but if i were to have fucked him, it would have been pointless. it would have been just as unfulfilling as previous encounters. it would have been purely for him.

so he leaves with a huge erection. this guy is like, 9 inches, mind you.

except just before he leaves i go

"so, you actually did come over just to fuck?".

"yeah, basically".

the next day he text messages me with "sorry about last night.. it was inappropriate". i ignored my urge to write "whatever helps you sleep at night" or "don't ever call/text/IM/talk to me ever again" but instead i ignore him, because i am better than him in every way. i am capable of respecting others. i deserve better treatment.

so what will i do about this horrible irritation on my social life? i will ignore him again. except this time, should he ever call, i will not answer my phone.

i am so, so, so glad that we didn't have sex. it is my only scrap of pride salvaged from that entire shipwreck.

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